I realize that I was talking about what went wrong. I realize it may have seemed like an invitation to comment.
However, I don't particularly want to hear what my mistake was, just as I am discovering that I made it.
I *especially* don't want to hear it in an insistent, pedantic tone.
If he had all this great info about what I was doing, why didn't he share it *before* I made the error? He was there; he saw what I was doing; he knew I was trying something new to me, and I *would* have listened to advice that was timed to be helpful. Or maybe he just doesn't ever believe that of me - but then, why talk to me at all?
If he couldn't be bothered to correct me when it would *help* me, why should I listen to his "well, this is how it's done" speech? And it doesn't help that the first time it was said, the supposedly "perfectly pleasant" time, he was in fact being quite opaque, in that I did not get the same message from that first time - which I *did* listen to, fuck face! - as I did from the "just listen to me once" *last* time. Maybe I wasn't listening all that well, but, hmm, see above.
Living here, I've been accused of having a "tone". I am willing to alter myself where I can - I want to get rid of my bad habits - but that's not specific enough for me to change. There's nothing to grab hold of in just the words "a tone". I'm sure it's true of me, though. I wouldn't even bother to deny it. I can be a bitch... but I'm not the only one, and I don't believe that I'm the worst one. It's just that no one else *feels* his like I do, because for whatever reasons, no one else is the lucky recipient of it the way I am.
I told him to go away and leave me alone, and he did; he is most likely off somewhere sulking about how I have no human decency.
Right this minute, I am sitting here hating him - and hating Mike a little, for still wanting him around, in spite of what a total shit he is - and hating Kelly a little, for sliding down into apathy about his jobless state. The reasons he is not packing his things right now are that I want Mike to be happy, and that I didn't particularly feel like taking the stand all by myself that makes Reid homeless, since he claimed to Dave that he would just *be* homeless rather than go back to his parents. I'm not mean enough - damn it! - and things have been fine, so I haven't been angry enough to *want* to take that stand, but I *have* kept in mind this whole time - have not forgotten for a moment: this is part of him, this is part of his dynamic with me, and he is not my friend. Never will he be again. Maybe I've been being too nice for *him* to remember it, but cold civility is not really something I am good at, especially long term. So fucking sue me.
I bet if *I* did what *he* did today, I would hear about my "tone".
Bastard. I'm *glad* he's not coming tonight. Malicious bitch though it may make me, it would ruin the evening for me if I had to bring my own personal albatross along.
I want very much to say everyone can go fuck themselves, but I'm not, because really I just mean Reid.