polymorphism (polymorphism) wrote,

shiny happy polymorphism

It's kind of a shock, but I'm fine, post-breakup. I mean, really really fine. This sounds like the kind of crap people tell themselves at times like these, when they are not actually fine at all, but seriously, there are a few things I do over time to gauge my overness of a thing, some standards that are reliable about me after an emotional upset - kind of like an emotional version of creatinine level - and all the indicators are saying I'm done. I also had quite the lovely day today, with no descents into sadness or asking why. That would not be normal for me if I were still hurting; I would still be having down moments during even a good day. I even actively tried to feel the same way I did two days ago, and I can't. I'd be able to put myself back into that headspace if I was still hurting, or if I still thought it was a valid way to feel, but I've discarded it as unrealistic, and it's no longer accessible to me other than as a memory.

I feel almost monstrous for feeling fine so quickly, but really, I'm not one to stay down long in any situation, and it was such a short relationship, with so much of it spent in a confusing limbo, that intellectually I do understand why I could let it go this easily. I also don't feel I was really "done wrong by" as I have been at times when I grieved and ached for a longer time. I'm not saying it didn't suck - it completely sucked - but it was just a series of dumbheaded moves, kind of like how I ended up with a closeted gay boyfriend back in college. All you can do is say, "I had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake. Now it's time to erase that mistake," and then go watch Robocop, because damn, I love that movie.

I learned some things from this short-lived relationship, so I don't want to erase it. I also successfully used some things I learned from previous relationships, and that I find awesome. I'm doing well and feeling fine. I guess the ritual thing I mentioned reflected some good instincts, or something. The experience has even got me writing, though I don't know how long that will last. In any case, it's a great day!
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.