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Last week, with the new schedule, my body was very confused about when to eat and sleep, and my brain was equally thrown by not having a two day break. I didn't really have a game plan going into the change, mostly because it's new to me and I didn't know what it would be like. Now that I have a sense of how it feels, I'm tackling this week a little differently. The goal will be to keep my usual daily eating and sleeping patterns at about the same time, maneuvering around the later work hours. This means I'll have between 3 and 4 waking hours before work, and the same after. We shall see how I handle that, but it pretty much has to be better than getting too much extra sleep and feeling logy and slightly sullen about it.

I'm also trying out being productive in the morning before work. Normally, I get up right before work, wash, dress and go, and anything I get done is done after I get home. However, work is pretty exhausting at this stage, and I didn't accomplish anything on the weeknights, and resented having to try on the too short breaks of my split days off. Instead of repeating that, I've been cleaning around the house this morning. I'll try and accomplish things every morning this week, including Wednesday, which I have off, and take all the evenings as my time to relax. As plans go, it's a work in progress, but so far it feels good.

Work mostly tires me because it is stressful. It isn't inherently so, but this learning curve is a bitch. I loathe making mistakes, and I'm still too ignorant to avoid them. It doesn't help that there's a lot to juggle. I'm not doing as well as I could be, because I'm really feeling the pressure of trying to meet the internal quality metrics and speed metrics while also finding the right answers and implementing them properly, and keeping the customer happy and properly informed, all at once. I can't DO all of those things at once yet, and the underlying message of all the input we have gotten is, "We know you won't be able to do it. Now get out there and do it!" There's no punishment for failure at this stage, but for me, failure IS a punishment. It's really fucking with me. I know I'm capable of this job once I have a handle on it, but being pushed to fly too soon is making me experience a rainbow of bad feelings, and that is proving an impediment to my improvement - that whole vicious cycle thing.

The company wants a lot of feedback from us, but provides only tiny amounts of time to give it. I feel rushed in everything I do, but I'm really feeling the need to express this to them, so I will probably end up spending my own free time on generating it. If it results in further improvements, that'll be a better reward for me than payment.

Now that I'm taking some steps, I feel better about my lone day off than I did yesterday when it started, so there's some promise there. Part of the change needs to be not to eat anything after work, though, because eating after nine, like we did last night and most of last week, makes it very hard for me to eat breakfast the next morning.
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