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Last night I asked Mom about a dresser and chest of drawers she had…

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Last night I asked Mom about a dresser and chest of drawers she had said I could have. I guess Bob has been very eager to see them go away, because no sooner had I said this than they were headed for the Tahoe to get them out of his warehouse. I wasn't expecting it so quickly but it works for me.

As a side benefit, I also told her that my continuing unemployment is causing some pretty severe problems, so she gave me a "job" - some things that she wants to have sold on eBay but does not have the time to research, photograph, post, monitor and mail. I don't believe I am temperamentally suited to this kind of pursuit in the long run, but I will do it for now, as any income is better than none.

I set this in motion as part of a general move to try to fight the immobilizing apathy I am experiencing. For most of the last few months I knew I was down more than usual, but have been unaware of just how pervasively depressed I am, because I don't FEEL all that unhappy unless I am actually thinking about my problems. That's true all the time, but each problem wants equal time, which means with more problems, there is more time overall spent on unpleasant thoughts. It seems that depression manifests in me almost solely as apathy. It isn't that handy; I still talk and act almost the same as I always do, I think you would have to be at least as close as my brother to really note the difference, which is largely one of ratio. I actually still feel happy most of the time; more of my time is dedicated to thinking about problems than when things are good - but the main difference is that I just feel like I can't DO anything. "I should be doing more" has been a leitmotif of my life, so it's been hard to really see that anything's wrong, but there's a dead giveaway - I have been shying away from making lists. Since I not only like lists but just about every task I accomplish is governed by one or more of them, that is a very serious problem. I don't want lists because then I have to look at all the things I haven't done. Not going to cut it, baby.

So. I made a list, and I'm trying to focus on crossing things off of it as a concrete thing I can do. I also got a chest of drawers and a dresser, and Mom and Bob threw a bedside table in there too while they were at it. I may not have a job yet, but I will, and in the meantime, at least I have a place to put my underwear, by damn!
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