I have an OkCupid profile, and I am female. Logically it follows that sometimes, I WILL come into contact with idiots. I don't think my judgement is infallible, though, so I have had a policy of not deciding whether any one particular contact was in fact with an idiot until I had talked to J. Random Dude(ette) at least long enough to have a shot at catching my interest. This translates to a willingness to talk to anyone at least once.
This broad rule has been ok as long as all it was costing me was time. There are limits to the energy I will spend one someone I find uninteresting, but I have had more than one friend tell me those limits are ridiculously wide. That was ok with me, though, as I have found enough people on there who really enrich my life to make gambling with minutes worthwhile to me. It's time for a rule change, however, because yesterday Isaw mermaids got ANGRY.
I met an oaf's initial oafishness with sarcasm and it quickly devolved into unpleasantness. To be clear, that isn't my problem. Nastiness has been a rarity in my online experience but I've seen it before, I know it exists, and his insults didn't hurt me because I don't care about him. The change is that this time, I got angry because he TRIED to hurt me, because he thought that was the correct followup to being shot down - because he EXISTED. I would have been kinder if he hadn't started off on such a jerky footing... and yet in retrospect, it's clear to me that I should never have responded to him at all. I'm neither a college professor nor a middle manager, and I owe nobody an open door policy.
I could make excuses - I was awash in a sea of hormones at the time, which seems to screw with my head more and more effectively as I get older - but frankly, it doesn't matter. What matters is that this incident put me in touch with a kind of anger I haven't felt in a long time, reminded me of an old pattern that I set aside years ago. I only touched the tower of rage, I didn't go in, but what was set aside could be picked up again just as easily, and maybe it's important to be aware of that.
For the curious, this is what put verbs like "expunge" in my head.
him: Hey neighbor You doing men lately ? or you into women?
me: that's really the first impression you're gonna go with, huh?
me: interesting
him: well its how you pesented your profile
me: *eyeroll* only if you're semiliterate
him: i could have put a pic of my dick out there,,
him: i have an MBA
him: illiterate has 2 ls
him: guess youre doing broads then
me: that would be because it starts with the prefix il
him: dont lecture me Do you wanna meet and fuck ?
me: no, I only bang people who impress me
him: fat and insecure... im glad i caught on quick,,
me: What can I say? I like men who can handle their apostrophes.
me: In other words, aging and shallow - you never had a shot.
him: Dear overweight cunteater.. only shot i wanted was a cum shot in your hair,,, in otherwords.. truly rotund,, a renissance fair freak and a mole that would fuck anything with a heartbeat.. No you would just have been a target
As this was happening, I blocked first chat, then email and finally profile. I also decided to just let him have the last word. I could easily have kept going with ever-escalating invective - his assumptions are stupid and annoyingly representative of a wide array of men, and his grasp of logic... well, I could go on, but I won't - but I think the odds that I had any more power to hurt him than he had to hurt me were slim, and the fact that I had the desire at all is more troubling than anything either of us could possibly have said.
Just for contrast, this is an example of a polite turndown, from today.
him: hello!
me: hi
him: sorry I don't have a pic or anything I just wanted to ask a quick question if you don't mind
me: ok
him: Would you be interested in farting in my face and/or mouth, or letting me sniff your asshole?
me: as a first contact? I'm afraid not
him: aww sadface
me: it sounds like a fetish, which means sexualized for at least one party
me: gotta be friends first
him: fair enoughz
me: at the least
him: indeed
me: that's me, though
me: good luck!
I only internet-believe that the guy was serious, but if he was, I feel for him. I admit it, this made me laugh (and saying so would have been honest but mean). I think the number of people who would not flee from him as a total whackjob is probably pretty small. To my mind, it'd be harmless, but I think I would have to be DEEP in love to be able to keep a straight face for that.
This broad rule has been ok as long as all it was costing me was time. There are limits to the energy I will spend one someone I find uninteresting, but I have had more than one friend tell me those limits are ridiculously wide. That was ok with me, though, as I have found enough people on there who really enrich my life to make gambling with minutes worthwhile to me. It's time for a rule change, however, because yesterday I
I met an oaf's initial oafishness with sarcasm and it quickly devolved into unpleasantness. To be clear, that isn't my problem. Nastiness has been a rarity in my online experience but I've seen it before, I know it exists, and his insults didn't hurt me because I don't care about him. The change is that this time, I got angry because he TRIED to hurt me, because he thought that was the correct followup to being shot down - because he EXISTED. I would have been kinder if he hadn't started off on such a jerky footing... and yet in retrospect, it's clear to me that I should never have responded to him at all. I'm neither a college professor nor a middle manager, and I owe nobody an open door policy.
I could make excuses - I was awash in a sea of hormones at the time, which seems to screw with my head more and more effectively as I get older - but frankly, it doesn't matter. What matters is that this incident put me in touch with a kind of anger I haven't felt in a long time, reminded me of an old pattern that I set aside years ago. I only touched the tower of rage, I didn't go in, but what was set aside could be picked up again just as easily, and maybe it's important to be aware of that.
For the curious, this is what put verbs like "expunge" in my head.
him: Hey neighbor You doing men lately ? or you into women?
me: that's really the first impression you're gonna go with, huh?
me: interesting
him: well its how you pesented your profile
me: *eyeroll* only if you're semiliterate
him: i could have put a pic of my dick out there,,
him: i have an MBA
him: illiterate has 2 ls
him: guess youre doing broads then
me: that would be because it starts with the prefix il
him: dont lecture me Do you wanna meet and fuck ?
me: no, I only bang people who impress me
him: fat and insecure... im glad i caught on quick,,
me: What can I say? I like men who can handle their apostrophes.
me: In other words, aging and shallow - you never had a shot.
him: Dear overweight cunteater.. only shot i wanted was a cum shot in your hair,,, in otherwords.. truly rotund,, a renissance fair freak and a mole that would fuck anything with a heartbeat.. No you would just have been a target
As this was happening, I blocked first chat, then email and finally profile. I also decided to just let him have the last word. I could easily have kept going with ever-escalating invective - his assumptions are stupid and annoyingly representative of a wide array of men, and his grasp of logic... well, I could go on, but I won't - but I think the odds that I had any more power to hurt him than he had to hurt me were slim, and the fact that I had the desire at all is more troubling than anything either of us could possibly have said.
Just for contrast, this is an example of a polite turndown, from today.
him: hello!
me: hi
him: sorry I don't have a pic or anything I just wanted to ask a quick question if you don't mind
me: ok
him: Would you be interested in farting in my face and/or mouth, or letting me sniff your asshole?
me: as a first contact? I'm afraid not
him: aww sadface
me: it sounds like a fetish, which means sexualized for at least one party
me: gotta be friends first
him: fair enoughz
me: at the least
him: indeed
me: that's me, though
me: good luck!
I only internet-believe that the guy was serious, but if he was, I feel for him. I admit it, this made me laugh (and saying so would have been honest but mean). I think the number of people who would not flee from him as a total whackjob is probably pretty small. To my mind, it'd be harmless, but I think I would have to be DEEP in love to be able to keep a straight face for that.
(Jesus, men do this, ay? Makes me ashamed of my penis.)
i dunno, maybe your parting words could have been along the lines of, "oh wait, you're right, i WILL do anything. please put your cum in my hair." i kind of want him to message me so i can say that. :P
What's your name on OkCupid anywho?
I read through the TOS, considering that option, and they don't actually have any rules against being a douche, so I figured the better part of discretion was to come here to vent and then move on.
I am newlyprofligate, same as my AIM and Yahoo handles. What about you?
The second guy, man. I invented laughing-skeptical-semi-sympathy just for him.