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post from this morning

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post from this morning

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I've been thinking about it.

It's not untrue. I really do feel that way.

I wonder, though: would my feelings be so strident if the general tenor of life hadn't been one of pressure for so long?

I think it's clear that I want to get rid of the old behaviour pattern of keeping shields between me and Mom, and I think it's equally clear that I don't see mother's day as a useful tool in that pursuit. Lately I've been talking to her more frankly, telling her some things that are happening in my life, and I think those old blocks are eroding quite nicely. I know Mom's feeling better about me, and she's a much different woman than she was when I was a child, and has done some discarding of her own - when I have made this change, we will have come most of the way to making that relationship what I want it to be. That's a happy thing. And yet, here is this post - a clear delineation of just how differently she and I view expressions of care, and how we've failed each other because of it.

Part of me wants to hide it, as being something only a horrible person would say. That's not a good reason for hiding things, though. I said it, I meant it, and I'll stand by it. If it means I am horrible, so be it.

My childhood was a good one; it would do me no good to try to mentally erase the few minuses I did experience. I'm glad this morning's post isn't the kind of thing I usually produce, though.

*sigh* I've been saying I'm ok, and it's not a lie - but sometimes "ok" is a relative term.

I'm not yet finished with purdah; I'm going back.
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