Log in

No account? Create an account


post from this morning

Journal Info


post from this morning

Previous Entry Share Flag Next Entry
I've been thinking about it.

It's not untrue. I really do feel that way.

I wonder, though: would my feelings be so strident if the general tenor of life hadn't been one of pressure for so long?

I think it's clear that I want to get rid of the old behaviour pattern of keeping shields between me and Mom, and I think it's equally clear that I don't see mother's day as a useful tool in that pursuit. Lately I've been talking to her more frankly, telling her some things that are happening in my life, and I think those old blocks are eroding quite nicely. I know Mom's feeling better about me, and she's a much different woman than she was when I was a child, and has done some discarding of her own - when I have made this change, we will have come most of the way to making that relationship what I want it to be. That's a happy thing. And yet, here is this post - a clear delineation of just how differently she and I view expressions of care, and how we've failed each other because of it.

Part of me wants to hide it, as being something only a horrible person would say. That's not a good reason for hiding things, though. I said it, I meant it, and I'll stand by it. If it means I am horrible, so be it.

My childhood was a good one; it would do me no good to try to mentally erase the few minuses I did experience. I'm glad this morning's post isn't the kind of thing I usually produce, though.

*sigh* I've been saying I'm ok, and it's not a lie - but sometimes "ok" is a relative term.

I'm not yet finished with purdah; I'm going back.
Powered by LiveJournal.com